Note from the author: I live with a chronic case of Complex-PTSD. This blog post chronicles what I am learning about myself as I grapple with the disorder.  For readers who wish to learn what Complex-PTSD is, and how to review the diagnostic criteria around it, information about Complex-PTSD is readily available through simple internet searches, blogs, podcasts, articles and books that already exist. The books that helped explained it to me are: Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker and The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk.

Is it real or is it trauma?

By James F Johnson

Today, I came up with a question that I plan to ask myself over and over as I go through the day: Is it real or is it trauma? It’s almost like a game I could play with myself, or like something a late-night talk show host would use to tell jokes. But in all seriousness, it’s a critical question that I hope can help me to identify the areas in life that I can control versus those which I cannot.

I know that black and white thinking is a Complex-PTSD symptom. (Examples: Everyone either loves me or hates me. Everyone is either for me or against me. Today is either awesome or horrific. I either love life or I hate it). Healthy critical thinkers understand that life is often gray, not binary. To those of us with Complex-PTSD, the ability to identify the gray areas is complicated by our skewed reactions to the stimuli of life. We need our disconnected inner voices to learn to work together again as a team of critical thinkers that see the good and the difficult in every situation.

But within the structure of Complex-PTSD, when it comes to how much I have suffered in life under the spell of trauma-induced black and white thinking, I now want to find the proper way to separate the gray areas from the more binary areas, to become better skilled at distinguish between the appropriately realistic reactions to life from the trauma-induced irrational reactions that have controlled me for far too long.

The unexamined life is doomed to repeat itself. That’s why we often recreate our own problems over and over in life because we are magnetically attracted to what we already know. But if I can stop and put each trauma-induced trigger and each happy or fearful moment I have, under a microscope, maybe I can get better at knowing which of my habits, addictions, fears, triggers, are real versus which are trauma reactions. It’s not trauma that makes me afraid to cross the street without looking for cars first, the fear of being hit by a car is a healthy fear. But the fear of saying the wrong thing to people who like me is more of an irrational trauma fear.

If I’m going to be stuck living with Complex-PTSD for the rest of my natural life, then at least I want to be better able to know which emotions I’m having, or health risks I’m dealing with, are unavoidable parts of reality, versus which are avoidable parts of trauma-drama.

Black and white thinking, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. Only when we take it too far and add trauma-drama to it does it become a sticking point. There is absolutely no way that any human eye can see both sides of a coin in one look. Only through mirrors and cameras can I see both sides of a coin at once. There is no gray area between heads or tails. That’s okay. Gray area exists, and binary choices also exist. The trick is to know which are binary, and which are blended. It’s also helpful to know which emotional or physical reactions are real and which are trauma responses.

The first item on my agenda today is to ask myself why I feel like I can’t rest or I’ll be punished for it. I’m tired of feeling like I have to work so hard to heal myself from this disorder every day. Is it a realistic drive that I can’t allow myself to just be who I am? Or is it the trauma that I was never allowed to be who I am during my formative years? Part of me  wants, so badly, to go light a fire in the firepit in my backyard, grab a nice cup of coffee or tea, and maybe a book, and just enjoy the moment. Instead, I see a floor that should be vacuumed, dishes that should be washed, a fence that needs mending, or a book I feel like I’m responsible to write. What makes me think I owe the world my writing? Is that a real desire to teach, or a trauma reaction that leads me to need validation for what I think I might have just learned? My pull to writing: Is it real or is it trauma?

The books I wrote in 2011-2017 were books I wanted to write. I needed to produce a fictional story that exposes why I react to life as I do. While the story is fiction, my main character’s reactions to his abuse is real. Readers have told me that my story helped them better understand themselves and those that they love. But now, I find myself feeling compelled to continue writing. So I ask: Is this compulsion real or is it trauma? Do I keep writing as a duty that I owe to the world? Or do I write because I like writing and feeling connection to others? I ask myself, Are there already enough books on Complex-PTSD and enough Podcasts on the topic? Or am I providing a fresh look that helps others navigate Complex-PTSD with me?

As I choose what topics to write about in my blog, I need to examine my intentions, and first ask myself: Is my pull to writing due to a noble and realistic desire to contribute, or is it another case of lifelong trauma playing itself out in my need to be heard?